The Envious Boy-friend

By "boy-friend" I don't mean an actual boyfriend, but someone who is the male friend of a female. This guy is always hanging around, and usually secretly in love with his female friend, even though she has no interest in him. He goes everywhere with her and tries to sabotage her relationships by telling her all the things that are wrong with her potential beaus. He also tries to show up other males who may or may not be interested in this girl, only because he fears that he may never have a chance if she hooks up with someone else.

Usually this character is portrayed sympathetically in movies, but in actuality, this fellow is quite annoying. However, the girl involved usually can make her own decisions, and the jealous boy-friend will usually be too nice to step in and overtly cause any problems.

SUCKINESS RATING: 4

The Egotistical Bouncer

This guy usually stands outside a busy club, wearing a suit, carrying some type of walkie-talkie/phone and constantly looking angry. Unless the guest happens to be a flirtatious beautiful girl, he is constantly barking orders at people, either to have their IDs ready, to stand single file, or any other command you would normally expect out of an airport security official. While this is more common in the big cities (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles), it can also be found at any of the more "exclusive" clubs in smaller cities. This man generally suffers from some sort of delusion that he is the last defense of this club, protecting it from common riff-raff who dare to wear jeans, t-shirts, or (god forbid) sneakers. He feels that his job is to teach people that no matter how smart you are, you must bow before his 'roid-ravaged body in order to have the chance to enter a room filled with drunk people trying to have sex with one another. While he stands outside in the freezing cold (or blistering heat, depending on the time of year), he feels that it is necessary that you respect his wishes of standing in a single-file line, lest all hell break loose. However, since the amount of time spent with this person is minimal, his suckiness rating is minimal.

SUCKINESS RATING: 4

Me

For not updating this site more often. It's not that I have trouble coming up with people who suck...it's just that it takes me awhile to write it out, and moreso having the motivation to do it...

I will remedy this!

(and the other guy who was supposed to write on this site has done zero...)

The (Indian) Girl Who Thinks Everyone is Hitting on Her

While I have only encountered this phenomenon among Indian girls, I'm sure it happens with girls of every race. Approach her, and the word "husband" or "boyfriend" magically appears from her mouth within the first 30 seconds. Despite having no romantic interest in the girl, you are already believed to be hot for her. You could walk up to her with a photograph of your girlfriend/wife on your shirt, a wedding ring on your finger, and a neon sign on your head that says, "I'm not interested in you," and she will still be determined to let you know that she has no interest in you. While this is understandable at bars, clubs, and other social establishments where meeting members of the opposite sex for this purpose is commonplace, this girl believes that the only reason men talk to her is to ultimately get her into bed. Is this because she holds a high opinion of herself? Is it because she is usually harrassed by men who only want one thing? Perhaps we will never know.

Example:
A boy walks by a girl on the sidewalk.

Boy: Excuse me, what time is it?
Girl: It's 4:30. At least that's what it says according to the watch that MY BOYFRIEND gave to me.
Boy: Uh, thanks.
Girl: No problem. Well, I had better get going because MY BOYFRIEND is waiting for me.
Boy: Um, ok.
Girl: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

Sometimes this can go too far. In my own experience, I was talking to a girl about some cultural convention, and she told me she was interested in helping. She then offered her phone number to me (without my asking) and proceeded to give me a FAKE telephone number.

Suckiness rating: 6

The Office Suck-up

It is no small coincidence that the term "Suck-up" has the word "suck" in it. This person truly sucks. At office functions, he seeks out the highest-ranking person, and attaches himself, barnacle-like, to his subject. (S)He divides his time between laying on a fair amount of compliments and BS, and looking for even higher-ranking people. He can usually be detected by his unusually loud laughter accompanying the dumbest of his subject's jokes and his inability to leave his subject alone despite all attempts made to escape. This person is also the same one who will give no more than a cursory glance in your direction, despite spending all day speaking to you about god-knows-what. Chances are that this person would fart on the elevator, and then blame it on you.

Suckiness Rating: 7

The "Slow in the Fast Lane" Person

This person has no idea what is going on. Driving at 55 miles per hour while traffic speeds by at 65 or 70 miles per hour, this person seems unfazed by this, and keeps his/her eyes on the road ahead. Even if someone begins to tailgate this sucky individual, there is no attempt made to move aside. Even worse is when this person moves at the same speed as the person in the next lane. This phenomenon seems to have run rampant in Dallas, although it does occur in other cities. While infuriating, this person is unwittingly sucky, so (s)he gets a break on the "Suckiness Rating."

Suckiness Rating: 4

Sucky Criteria

Criteria for listing the type of people who suck:

1) We won't include people who "legally" suck: Yes, it would be easy to say that murderers, child molesters, and people who bilk old people out of money suck. But that's not what this site is about (although most of the things that sucky people do SHOULD be punishable by law).

2) This is about people whose characters suck: There won't be things about how someone on "American Idol" sucks as a singer, or how I suck as a golfer. While those things may be true, it's not really the type of "suckability" that should be punished.

3) The suckiness of these people should be fairly objective: We're not going to talk about how someone sucks because he is a fan of a certain team or likes a certain activity (unless, of course, engaging in this activity requires someone's inherent suckiness to surface), because those people probably think that we suck, and back and forth, blah, blah, blah. These are people who universally suck.

4) No naming of names or referring to specific people: This is not a site for personal attacks. If you want to do that junior high crap, take that weak tot action elsewhere. The only case where we might name names is if we are referring to a news article about someone who did something sucky (and it doesn't violate Criterion #1).

There will also be a "Suckiness Rating" assigned for each of these people, on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is "unwittingly sucky, and you feel kind of sorry for the person," and 10 is "this person should be covered with barbeque sauce and eaten alive by Star Jones."

There are probably other rules which will apply here, but what can I say? I suck at writing this stuff.